Thoughts from a shattered heart

I want to be possitive but right now it's so hard. Some peolpe know this already but my brother and my sister both live with blake and me and it's caused heartache with our adoption process. We had our "final interview" also known as the in home visit, about a month ago. I thought for sure we would be aproved by now or in a week or so. But no... I just got a phone call from my caseworker and she said our home is full of too much stuff and we have no room for a baby so we can't be aproved yet. My brother is staying in the baby's room. He also has a lot of stuff because he was married before. That stuff has filled my home to the brim and we barely have room to breathe. Right now it's hard finding air through my tears as I sit at my desk at work and feel like I failed. I want so badly to have my baby. My heart, well what is left of it for the moment, is aching. Deep, throbbing pains. But I know, as all things, this came to pass. I will feel better soon. It will work out. It's probably a blessing actually because Blake and I are stressed out having my brother live with us. It certainly isn't easy. I just hope he can find a place to live.
I read a blog someone sent me that is someone's that I came across at the FSA conference. I want to put in some of her words. She explains it all perfectly, how it feels. She's got the right words for me especially since I can't think right now. note that I have edited it a bit to fit me:

Infertility is such an interesting topic.
those 10-15% of us who are infertile or sterile all deal with it in different ways.
"in the quiet heart is hidden sorrow that the eye can't see."
~Lord, i would follow Thee, Hymn 220
there are many daggers that pierce the "quiet heart" that is dealing with infertility.
"if you had more faith..."
"do you even like kids?"
"how many kids do you have?"
"when are you guys going to have children?"
"you'll get pregnant right after you adopt."
"you know how babies are made, right?"
"just relax."
"we're pregnant ...again."
"you are so lucky you didn't have to go through a delivery."


i wish all social workers were understanding and nice.
i wish all single pregnant women had a testimony of adoption.
i hope pregnant women rejoice that they get to be pregnant.
i hope adoption is the natural choice for a crisis pregnancy.

i had a dream that died last year.
a dream of little babies that looked like Blake and me.
a dream of being a co-creator of life.
a dream of feeling life grow within me.
a dream of surprising our family and friends with the blessed news.
a dream of getting flowers in the hospital.
a dream of hearing the heartbeat.
a dream of Blake and me alone in the hospital room with an hours old baby in our arms.
a dream of the little ankle bracelet with my name and baby's name on it.
a dream of maternity clothes.
a dream of taking pictures each month to show how much bigger the baby had gotten in my tummy.
a dream of counting down the days.
a dream of experiencing the spirituality of the delivery room as others described it.
a dream of having a baby when i wanted to have one.
but...
there is no biological possibility of that happening.
It is I who can't have children because of endometriosis.
that news is really a gift.
there is no wondering if this month is the month. there is no lingering or wilting hope. there are no questions or unexplained infertility. there isn't a fraction of a percentage of a chance that it could happen. that is truly a tender mercy of the Lord for us. i realize that i am blessed in that area and there are many who still hang onto that. for us, it was easy to grieve, deal with it, close up that chapter and move on. don't get me wrong. there are still some days where i am reminded, the occasional dagger and then i realize, "oh yes. there is my old friend infertility back again. i know you."
those days after the "bad" news were hard.
(that's the understatement of the year!)
we fasted and we prayed and we poured out our hearts. i cried with my husband. i cried and cried and cried ...because the dream had died.
those prayers will be answered and some have been already.
and we will be blessed with a miracle.
the miracle of understanding and accepting.
the miracle of gaining a testimony and a desire for adoption.
the miracle of feeling the power of the sealing power seared into my soul.
the miracle of peace.
and i was blessed with a new dream.
a new dream that i daydream about in the car everyday ...still.
the dream of hearing the words, "i chose you to be his or her family."
the new dream of babies of all colors and races, my babies.
and the dream of seeing all of my children dressed in white sitting in the temple with us. new dreams that are as dear to me now as the old ones were. new dreams that make tears streak my cheeks. good dreams.

I want to thank the sweet sister who sent me this blog. It has inspired me and helped me so much.