It's not fair to call it obsession. It's love, hope, desire, passion, longing. It's infertility and our only way for a family. Adoption is consuming. Everything makes me think of it. Pregnant women, babies, diapers, formula, spit-up, bottles, bibs, little clothes, blankets, crib sets, rocking chairs, binkies, carseat canopies, toys, Cheerios, whole milk, baby food, hospitals, nurses, announcements: boy, girl, due; pictures, birthdays, Gracie's pleads, carseats, mini vans, food storage, holidays, vacations, money, periods, burp cloths, cribs, Blake, church...
My role in life is to be a wife and mother. I'm grateful I get to be both. But when that feeling hits that someone is missing, there's no pushing it away. Although I think about it all the time- please never, ever think I'm bitter. I couldn't be more happy for those who have children no matter how they receive them.
Obsession, no. Eager, thirst, wish, yes.
Saturday, March 2, 2013
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One of the worst parts of infertility is that it is so hard for other people to know how it feels to be in your shoes. Which can lead to feelings of isolation. Not even husbands quite get it 100%. And fellow women with infertility who hope to adopt won't understand exactly how you feel because each is different. However, I am so grateful for your post! You seemed to hit right on the head what I've been feeling lately, though once again, we are not exactly at the same place right now. A baby got blessed in church today and while I am so happy for that family and want to snuggle their baby and rejoice with them, I also felt burning tears...tears of sadness because, well, it is hard as heck to go through this particular trial. Once someone said, "to get what you want when you pray and fast is faith promoting, but to not get what you want when you pray and fast is faith building." One day we will see how much we've grown through this all. And in the meantime I will send lots of prayers that you will find your new love very very soon!!
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